You Talk Too Much
The first step to trusting yourself
Did you know that saying you will do something gives your brain the same satisfaction as actually doing it?
I have no idea if that statement is true. I heard a classmate say it in a college night lab more than five years ago. Regardless, that statement changed my life. Whether it’s true or not, I took it as gospel. It helped me unlock my favorite thing about myself, which is that I do the things I say I will do (for the most part).
I’ve been thinking about this sentiment lately. How people talk, a lot, but seem more unfulfilled than ever. Social media, parasocial relationships, even our actual relationships, seem like a comparison contest over who is doing the most. People want the entire world, and then some. The old fig tree, if you will. You stare at the entire spectrum of human possibility and do nothing while the figs wither away, and you are left hungry. Then we binge on meaningless garbage (jobs that pay well but don’t fulfill us, glamorous friendships that are empty, rampant consumerism without a goal or endpoint) and are full but not satisfied, the feeling that something is always missing despite the fact that you are doing so much (too much, and yet, not enough?).
When we say we will do something, and we don’t do it, that is a micro act of self-betrayal. This could be something as small as “I will take a shower tomorrow”. When you don’t follow through, you are reinforcing the idea that you cannot trust your own word. And if you can’t trust your own word, what the fuck are we even doing? This creates a severance between your thoughts and your actions. It fuels anxiety in the deepest level that can be hard to come back from. Action is the remedy to anxiety, and when we stew in our own anxiety without ever actually doing anything about it, the buildup of energy in our minds and bodies is damaging on a cellular level.
You can come back from the betrayal of not taking the shower, doing the dishes, or any other small promise to yourself. Now take that example and expand it into something you can’t come back from. “I will leave my partner”, “I will quit my job to travel the world”, “I will spend time volunteering at a place that matters to me”, “I will take better care of my body”. Yes, we can begin again any day, and at any moment. But what happens when you never do those things but said you would? You are betraying yourself over and over again.
So, I ask you, before you wish for these things, before you speak it into existence, consider, is that what you really want? Like, truly? Not what you think you should do, not what’s expected of you, not what’s the most #goals / aesthetically pleasing / palatable?
Do you really want to break up, or are you in an addictive social media doomscroll filled with people who dish out one-size-fits-all relationship advice using psychological buzzwords and promising you that there is a perfect, problem free, person out there who will never trigger you, never upset you, never project onto you, never question you, and do everything for you?
Do you really want to “travel the world”, or are you so dissatisfied with your life that anywhere seems better than here? (Side note: what if you narrowed down your goal of “travel the world” to “travel to 3-5 really important to me places” so that your goal is actually, I don’t know, achievable?) (Side-side note: you can’t travel out of your own mind and body, so start there.)
Do you really want to take care of your body, or do you just want to be thin? Do you just want to control, restrict, punish yourself?
Do you really want to do that thing, or do you just want other people to see you doing it, to see that you have it?
This isn’t an easy habit to deconstruct. Wishful thinking is addictive and promising, but empty without action. It fuels our micro-acts of self-betrayal, and we have normalized it to the point where many people seldom do anything except for complain and carry on. The rat race keeps us exhausted, broke, and busy, leaving little time for implementation of our truest desires for our one life. But is that the reason we want to look back on our life in regret for the things we didn’t do? I get it, it’s much easier to pinpoint what we don’t want than what we do.
Start small. Start anywhere. How can you expect to keep your word to others if you can’t keep it for yourself? Under promise and over deliver. Don’t set yourself up for failure before you even begin. Yes, speak it into existence, if that’s what you really want. This isn’t to say that things won’t get pushed to the next day, week, month, etc. This isn’t to say you won’t ever overload your plate ever again and have to reevaluate and redirect priorities. It’s definitely not to say that you are now at gun point under hostage of your own word… but it should hold you accountable. If you said you will do something that matters to you, don’t let yourself forget it. Allow yourself the satisfaction of actually doing it, and not the false sense of satisfaction from just saying it. Complete the circle.
Everyone is different, and some people are empowered by their daydreams, wishes for their future, and limitless possibilities. I’m not. I can easily drown in options. Overthinking is a disease. I don’t want to sit under the fig tree and die while I decide which one is the best to eat. I say, “I will eat that fig” and I eat it, and if I don’t eat it right away, I hold onto it and preserve it. Perhaps into a sort of metaphorical jam? Stay with me. I don’t ask other people, “what do you think about this fig? Do you think it looks good?” “Doesn’t that fig look so good? I want to eat it one day.” Honor the ambition of someone who wants to do it, sure, let them eat the fig, but don’t hop on the train just so you can betray yourself when you won’t do it, or get down on yourself when you watch them eat the fig later.
Because honestly, what is the point of that? Does anyone actually think comparing themselves to someone who has what they want helps? I don’t. Believing in myself, knowing my limits, knowing what I want, what I’m capable of, those are all things that help bring me back down to earth so I can get things done and not get stuck in the loop of dread, soul starvation, analysis paralysis, and non-action. The hardest part of all of that? Knowing what you want. Believing that you deserve what you want.
This isn’t to say I have ascended from the human tendency of indecisiveness, in fact, that is perhaps my worst quality. Something I am actively trying to transform. I never thought I would be the kind of person who looks at the menu of a restaurant before I get there, but honestly, it saves me from the temptation of sending the waiter away once or twice before I can decide what I want (speaking from experience). Perhaps I am a little too held to my own word, because when fake acquaintances say, “let’s do lunch!”, I die a little inside because a) I say, “omg sure!” and don’t really mean it and b) I know they don’t mean it either, so why bother?! I remedy this by letting them reach out to me if they really meant it, but spoiler, they never do.
But when I do mean what I say, things like “I’ll text you when I get home”, “I want to go to this place / see this concert”, “I want to learn this new skill”, I actually do them! Some things I have done that completed the circle: started an at home vegetable garden, got in touch with friends I miss, getting jobs I said I wanted, started making art again, learned to cook animal proteins, started a blog (hi Substack!), habitually shopping at farmers markets, cook more food at home and eat less takeout / fast food / frozen convenience products, gotten tattoos I have always dreamed of, sent my friends and family care packages and love letters in the mail, started a retirement fund and learned about personal finance, doing more yoga without YouTube videos, getting annual checkups and bloodwork done, quit my soul sucking job. The list goes on, my friends.
Some things that are still on the mental list: finishing my home first aid kit, becoming first aid certified, getting an emergency go-bag ready, learn to surf, deep clean my kitchen and my entire house for that matter, start or contribute to a community fridge and pantry, start planning my 30th birthday trip to Japan… This list also goes on, but I don’t care to ruminate on my shortcomings. They are on the list, and they will stay there until I start them, and either complete them or give it a genuine effort so I know I tried.
There is a lot of chatter and mental noise in the world right now. People have made entire careers over selling a lifestyle and making people want to buy their way in. We live in a time of limitless potential with limited resources (energy, time, money, etc.). It so easy to get caught in the comparison game and get crushed by the endless possibilities and daydreams. We betray ourselves on a regular basis and its normalized, never letting ourselves fulfill our dreams because we are afraid to take risks, to be seen, to close the circle. Because closing the circle would mean that it’s time to stop dreaming and start doing.
We begin to betray ourselves when we say we will go for a walk with a friend but then stay home because you don’t feel like going, would rather stay on the couch, and scroll on your phone while binge watching a show, and call it self-care. When we say will commit to the work of eating better, buy stuff from the grocery store that we would never eat, but hey, this influencer told me it was a must have for my fridge, and then let it rot while you pick up something more convenient and comforting. When we say we will plan this trip that you’ve been dreaming of for years, but then never do it because you are afraid of spending the money you have saved. When you say you will read or write more but then let yourself get distracted by your phone and convince yourself it’s too late.
It is never too late. Your word is your bond. Most especially to yourself. As a species, we talk too much, and lately, I’ve been hearing people dish out empty promises to themselves and to others left and right. No wonder people have such low opinions of themselves, because they can’t even trust themselves to do the things they say they will. There is no easy way around this one, my friends. If you say it, and you mean it, then do it. If you don’t think you will do it, don’t want to do it, then do yourself a favor and shut the fuck up!